Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
