I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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