You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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