i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
