please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
