I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
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Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize