could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize