I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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