Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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