we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
