Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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