Where are you?
In a non slutty way
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I looked at my own cervix.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
