Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
