i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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