Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
