The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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