I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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