It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
