i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
even my farts smell like vagina
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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