Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
