i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also, beer. Big fan.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
