Please, let me fuck your mom
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
