I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
