it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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