Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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