I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
barbara walters just said penis...
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
