I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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