just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
