when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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