There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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