my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
