Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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