I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
