You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
