I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
