Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I would ride that face into the sunset
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
