Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
