The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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