like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
