Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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