GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
