We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
