Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
