The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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