elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
