im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
