I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
