I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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