I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
