Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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