So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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