was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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