He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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