I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
