im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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