i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
