What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
