Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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